8 posts tagged “weblog”

Yesterday's freedom. I'm talking about the Philippine's Independence day, which is on July 12. A late post of my yesterday's "indulgence" as I went straight home after work and took out my faithful digital camera. I went on top of my roof and took some photos of that day. It's been a while since I taken anything artistic.

Freedom is just on the other side

Sometime in one's life, they want to have freedom from their problems and by running away from it could set you free, of course, not every one thinks like that.

Freedom is not just an expression

Freedom of expression? Freedom is not an easy task if you think about it. Living on your own gives you freedom but to be able to maintain it, you have to work; cook for your own; wash dishes and clothes; and you have to watch yourself.

I celebrate my independence through these photos.

Within one's journey, one tries to find a proof of their existence and I believe that finding 'love' is a big part of that. Finding love does not just mean just having a partner but on every aspect of one's life. It revolves with your job, family, friends, hobbies, pets and most especially yourself.

Let me tell you something and I believe that everyone went through this and they would agree with me or I hope that they would. Once shy and twice bitten, the heart aches and heart breaks can be too much but not as much as causing us to die; Those who would commit suicides because of it is hard to understand sometimes; those who are damaged and couldn't find their way is much the same as committing suicide; and those who gained, learned, matured and moved on are the ones who are lucky. Lucky enough to know their own place in this world.

I used to believe that feeling pain is a proof of my existence, that I am human. Although, I was looking at it the wrong way, I ended having the wrong decisions and the wrong time to make them. It took me two years to recover from my first heart break and it took a year from my second one. Leaving my heart scared of what is to come and then creating images that most men will just use me.

Two years ago, when I was working and met new friends I made a promise that I will try my best to enjoy life as it is. I began to love my work and enjoy the company of the people in the office that became my friends. I was somehow happy but there are always one thing to remember. If there is happiness there is always sadness that tags along. My father didn't approve of my job as an in-house web designer and he often told me at that time to resign my job after my probation and work for him. I was sad when he asked that from me. I never once got an approval from him ever since I could remember. I chose not to follow his words because this is my life now. I should learn how to live on my own and knowing that my dad is a painter, I couldn't see my life as one. I rarely made friends within the local art industry and I feel alienated by it even though I tried to be known. It wasn't my place to be.

When I met Chris, I was scared and there came a time that I push him away. I usually don't believe in signs but I often ask God to give me some or at least help me find my own. December 24 last year, it happened a sign and it didn't take me too long for me to take that step and accepted it. It's been four months since Chris and I are together and I am hoping that it will last longer.

Within the world of bloggers and other online journals, this is our "breathing space". We care not what others think of us as long as we post our thoughts and it's an excuse to let out our emotional burden or just to get away with everything.

This blog is my play ground; the internet is our playground. Almost everything can be done through the internet. Ordering pizzas; buying stuffs online, from books to house hold items, you name it. There there comes the community: Online games, blogs, art sites, forums, etc.

A blog is where we forget to ourselves. We express our thoughts, not just one thought but trails of them... from things you like; things you hate; things you love; and new things that you discover. I often worry that people will make a mistake on understanding who I am from the things that I write. Some people doesn't care, as long as they get something to read on the net.

Today, it's the death anniversary of my grand mother and I forgot about it. I was too indulge on my own depression that I wasn't thinking about other things. My mom, she's 60+, I know that one of these days she's going to heaven (I hope more later than sooner) and so is my dad. I often worry on what I am going to do if my parents are gone. How will I live? how will my brother live?

Last night, I tried to tell my mother what really happened on how I lost my job. My mother never seemed to respond very well on how she'll talk to me and to my brother. I know it was a dead end conversation before it even started. Whenever I tell her things, she'd change the subject and I know my dad would do the same. They've been always like this since I was a kid. They don't want to hear any problems from us since they've been hearing too many problems outside the family as it is. That's the way it was and that's the way they do it still.

This afternoon, everyone's telling me that I'm getting too thin and they are right. I could see my rib cage from looking at the mirror before I go take a shower. My rashes is still here and my mom wants me to see a dermatologist but my big brother's wife still have to set up a schedule. I never asked any of this.

I've always been a loner since I was a kid, never had much friends that stays and chitchat with me. I was never allowed to have friends when I was a kid. I end up writing on diaries, blogs and other things. I used to write poetry... it wasn't to impress my mother who is a writer but writing made me feel free. That's because of Dexter's help last November 2000. He introduced me to the powerpoets and from that on, I felt like I can express myself from that medium. I write my pains... but lately, I can't produce any.. it seems like my energy is too low and just enough to keep me breathing.

My mom found one of my old blog a few years back and I am glad that I didn't write anything about my problems at those times and only reflections. My mom would prolly see my blog eventually, it's not a big deal. I never wanted to keep secrets from her. It's just that I never felt like I can tell her any of my problems. She wasn't a good listener to me and I didn't have any patience anyway. She's a "super hero" in my book. She saves other people's lives and so does my dad. Just not with me and my 2nd brother. Ironic? I couldn't agree more. I am not griping about my parents. God, I love my parents. They fed me; raised me; put me to school; sent me to summer work shops but that's just it. I never learned much on how to deal with my emotions towards problems. I often get scared when my dad gets mad if he sees me being all emotional and especially when I start crying.

Lately, my mom wants to reach out for me. Asking if I want to go to some poetry and writing classes. I appreciate it but I never really wanted to go to those things. I do admit that I have a lot of grammatical errors. I'm not a total genius. My dad wants me to help him with his work but with my allergy, I can't seem to stay focus in his work shop. x_x The dust. I have allergies on dusts, sudden change of weather and there's the allergy with chilly. I feel like I'll end up in a bubble sphere.

I need a place to breath.

I always try to be positive but lately, I just couldn't get myself to hold my head up high. The one thing that I used to do and always like doing, making other people laugh. When I see or at least know they are having fun, I'd feel happy myself; pleased to see they are laughing.

"Between an overload of information" - problem within the family; within the office; within friends; even within the volunteer work that I've been doing for more than a year now.

"Striving for a pure dedication in life" - I think each and everyone of us tries to find a real meaning. Yesterday, I tried to be funny with some of my friends over YM. As I try to tap my old habit of being witty and used Gelo's come back on my semi-serious question: "Is pride a sin?"

One example:
Me: I have a question: pride is a sin, right?
Friend: it depends... but yes.
Me: So here's a thought: I am my father's pride. So, am I my father's sin?
*there were many answers from different people who I said the same thought. And everyone of them had a really serious answer except for Kenneth.*
Me: So those people with Kia Pride, are they sinners?
*one just typed in '...'; some laughed and some said to me 'are you crazy?' I tell you it's fun to have this kind of conversation just to break loose.*

We all laughed and I said "Good morning" right after. It was a good feeling and at that time I tried my best to do my work even if I'm already stressed out and then later on, Chris (my boyfriend) talked to me over YM. It was a wonderful interruption and I felt abit relaxed. Then, I said this is going to be a good day.

A few minutes later, my officemate that it's time for the department's appraisal. That moment, everyone got so riled up. I thought I should already send my resume out to my cousin while I still can. When it's my turn, my boss and I talked about things and she did try to understand what I am trying to explain. I mean... I may be a senior artist but I'm only one person catering all projects coming from four people. And the tasks aren't just simple layouts but animations and a whole lot of other packages. Not to mention that I have a monthly thing to update on TV.

All went well and we tried to adjust. She also asked us to have dinner with her as a threat.

There is always time for everyone to be happy and there will always be a time for someone to grief. A few hours ago, it was my parents' 30th anniversary and later around three in the afternoon will be my god father's death anniversary and later on,  I will have a date with my boyfriend. Such a life this is... like a roller coaster.

At dinner time, I wasn't feeling any happiness or grief. It was as if it's just normal or what I've gotten myself used to. I went to watch "Flushed Away" for the second time through a pirated DVD that my parents bought. I noticed that I laughed the hardest when there were punchlines in the movie even if I already seen it twice. After noticing it, I just couldn't laugh anymore. Who am I fooling?

I often tell my friends that I rarely smile because when I smile that is when it is truly genuine. Though, even if I don't really smile I know I am somewhat 'happy' being there with my parents and my relatives even if I know there are problems within.

I still feel that my life isn't going anywhere and that is what I felt after having a conversation with one of my cousins. She said that she doesn't think any of us will marry soon and she thinks that our youngest cousin will be the one who would end up marrying first. I wanted to have a debate on it, but then again... life is uncertain. I don't mind not marring soon, that is one commitment that I have to prepare myself. Not just emotionally but financially. Let's face it, I'm already twenty-seven and I'm still blogging, playing MMORPG and life isn't so bad. I have a loving boyfriend; I have work (some-what); I still have both parents and I have friends.

Tomorrow, I will be reminded again why I became a web designer. It was because of my god father. I can't believe it's already been a year since he died and I wasn't sure if I ever thanked him enough for giving me inspiration.

Ever since I learned about cosmetics and had my worse experience on using them, I swore to myself that I will never ever put one on.

When I was a child, around fourth grade, I had a teacher who put make up on us because we had a dance number in one of the school's holiday event. I think it was the world's youth day. My teacher used the same blush ons, brush, lipsticks and what else you may call them. At the end of the day, my face was itchy. When I got home, I rushed to my parents' room and the light was dim as they were watching some TV show. My dad saw the make up and it was horrible. That was the first time I experienced it and that was the day that I decided that I will never ever wear one.

Years passed and the only things that I put on are perfumes and a lip gloss or more like those lipsticks that lessens the breaks on your lips. I am not the type who would wear a make up every day and I'm certainly not at putting them on. Since, I've been working in corporate companies, sometimes it is a necessity to wear one. Still, with my kind of job description it is very unlikely that I will be pushed to wear make ups (and I'm glad about it, too).

True enough that time changes people and I lifted my promise of not wearing make ups. I only wear them when there is an occasion. There was a time that I wanted to look pretty because I'll be seeing my boyfriend and I asked my officemate to help me out on that area. I could see my friends now saying, "Yes! Diwa is finally a girl!" (yeah, right.. not wearing make up doesn't really label one as a tom-boy.). Within these past few weeks, I've been trying to dress up right and be concern on the accessories that I wear and match my clothes to boot.

There were times that I would walk pass a small booth in a mall where there were free samples of make-ups and skin care tips. I would sometimes try them out if I am with my cousin who would also do the same. I would never have the courage to step in all by myself. One thing that concerns me with those kind of events is that I never get satisfied with how they put make up on me because most of the time it doesn't look right and sometimes they put too much make-up.

me again

Make Over

I made a joke after the make over session that maybe I should be a model. haha, riiight. I don't see more of myself wearing make-ups like these even if I already seen the result of it. That's one thing that I know about myself. It'll just be on special occasions