6 posts tagged “life”

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on" - Robert Frost

Many things happened the past weekend and its a mixed emotion for me. Most of us know of what happened in Makati City last Friday. The city that I have lived for more than twenty-three years. It's the first time that a huge explosion like that occurred in this city and from my experience, there were only bomb treats within the buildings that I used to work in. Lucky for me, most of the time those things happen I'm a few miles away or an hour away. I really can't tell the difference if I already walked a thousand kilometers already.

That night, my mother sent me a text message that one my cousin had a comatose. That particular cousin she mentioned to me didn't affect much but the very next day the younger sister of that cousin of mine sent a message that he's dead, that is when I felt bad. He was in his late 30s. He's the only brother within their family and I just had a thought, "what if my brother died as well?" I just really felt bad.

The next day, Sunday, around ten in the morning I went to church where my boyfriend and I usually visit to hear mass. All I could think of that time was my cousin and how I remembered him. Holding back the tears, I just smile every time I see a kid smile and play next to our row.

After that, I went home to have lunch and get my brother to wake up. At the wake, I didn't look at my cousin who is inside the coffin. I just chatted with my other cousins tending the other visitors. I just can't bare looking at dead people; dead things; I want to remember them while they were still alive. My only good memory of him was the time I spent my summer vacation at their house. Playing as a chef with his youngest sister and him being our taster/customer. Luckily enough, we just used those small sized ready to cook pizza crust and only added tomato paste and melted cheese as toppings, only using an oven toaster: we weren't such a bad cook after all.

That Sunday night, I went to my parents' place and learned that my sister-in-law was scheduled to be confined in the hospital that night. They're expecting their 2nd born.

I don't know whether I should rejoice or be in mourning, as what Robert Frost said: it goes on. Nature will take its place and God does the same. We can only do so much and hope for the best.

Birds on Stepping Stones
Originally uploaded by • thepoet •.

It's Friday and I thought I should take some photos within the streets of Makati city. At first I was having second thoughts of going to the main commercial areas since it was already rush hour. I bought myself a cup of coffee and walked near to that chappel/church in the middle of Greenbelt mall.

There was the Friday mass and I stood there listening to the priest as I saw Maya birds fluttering near where I stand. I started thinking that these Maya birds are so small and yet they can survive.

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It's also the 4th day of work and I could say that I'm trilled to be working there. Still, I can't hide that fact that I'm a little sad since I cannot have more time to talk to my boyfriend.

Within the world of bloggers and other online journals, this is our "breathing space". We care not what others think of us as long as we post our thoughts and it's an excuse to let out our emotional burden or just to get away with everything.

This blog is my play ground; the internet is our playground. Almost everything can be done through the internet. Ordering pizzas; buying stuffs online, from books to house hold items, you name it. There there comes the community: Online games, blogs, art sites, forums, etc.

A blog is where we forget to ourselves. We express our thoughts, not just one thought but trails of them... from things you like; things you hate; things you love; and new things that you discover. I often worry that people will make a mistake on understanding who I am from the things that I write. Some people doesn't care, as long as they get something to read on the net.

Today, it's the death anniversary of my grand mother and I forgot about it. I was too indulge on my own depression that I wasn't thinking about other things. My mom, she's 60+, I know that one of these days she's going to heaven (I hope more later than sooner) and so is my dad. I often worry on what I am going to do if my parents are gone. How will I live? how will my brother live?

Last night, I tried to tell my mother what really happened on how I lost my job. My mother never seemed to respond very well on how she'll talk to me and to my brother. I know it was a dead end conversation before it even started. Whenever I tell her things, she'd change the subject and I know my dad would do the same. They've been always like this since I was a kid. They don't want to hear any problems from us since they've been hearing too many problems outside the family as it is. That's the way it was and that's the way they do it still.

This afternoon, everyone's telling me that I'm getting too thin and they are right. I could see my rib cage from looking at the mirror before I go take a shower. My rashes is still here and my mom wants me to see a dermatologist but my big brother's wife still have to set up a schedule. I never asked any of this.

I've always been a loner since I was a kid, never had much friends that stays and chitchat with me. I was never allowed to have friends when I was a kid. I end up writing on diaries, blogs and other things. I used to write poetry... it wasn't to impress my mother who is a writer but writing made me feel free. That's because of Dexter's help last November 2000. He introduced me to the powerpoets and from that on, I felt like I can express myself from that medium. I write my pains... but lately, I can't produce any.. it seems like my energy is too low and just enough to keep me breathing.

My mom found one of my old blog a few years back and I am glad that I didn't write anything about my problems at those times and only reflections. My mom would prolly see my blog eventually, it's not a big deal. I never wanted to keep secrets from her. It's just that I never felt like I can tell her any of my problems. She wasn't a good listener to me and I didn't have any patience anyway. She's a "super hero" in my book. She saves other people's lives and so does my dad. Just not with me and my 2nd brother. Ironic? I couldn't agree more. I am not griping about my parents. God, I love my parents. They fed me; raised me; put me to school; sent me to summer work shops but that's just it. I never learned much on how to deal with my emotions towards problems. I often get scared when my dad gets mad if he sees me being all emotional and especially when I start crying.

Lately, my mom wants to reach out for me. Asking if I want to go to some poetry and writing classes. I appreciate it but I never really wanted to go to those things. I do admit that I have a lot of grammatical errors. I'm not a total genius. My dad wants me to help him with his work but with my allergy, I can't seem to stay focus in his work shop. x_x The dust. I have allergies on dusts, sudden change of weather and there's the allergy with chilly. I feel like I'll end up in a bubble sphere.

I need a place to breath.

Lim·pid \LIM-pid\, adjective:
1. Characterized by clearness or transparency; clear; as, "a limpid stream."
2. Calm; untroubled; serene.
3. Clear in style; easily understandable.

How I wish to have a limpid life; a life as simple as counting 1,2 and 3 but that is not a small wish to have; not so simple to comply. Although, I do not want just a simple life but a life with meaning. That is a problem right there. I cannot have a simple and meaningful life at the same time. A simple life means a happy life. If one wishes to be happy he or she must forget about the past and do not live for the future. As for the meaningful life, one must remember the past and sought out things that will mean something to your life.

Some of you guys already know about my "little" problem with my second brother. Then there's work and recently, I have this skin allergy and I forgot what it's called. A sudden change of the weather... if I was in a cool area and then a sudden hot wind blows over, I'd start to feel a rash coming onto my skin.

What a funny way to add up with my problems here within my little world? My big brother said to me that I should lay off of some food that would also cause it: like chicken skin or fish. But I love chicken and I love fish. This is just so great isn't it?

i·ro·ny  \ahy-ruh-nee\ –noun, plural -nies.
1. the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning: the irony of her reply, “How nice!” when I said I had to work all weekend.

Do you see the irony in here? just like the other food that I like eating before I had an allergic reaction with it. I can't eat anything with chilly because if I did, my lungs would expand and it's either I'd start coughing for the rest of the day and end up having a fever or worse, I could end up not being able to breathe.

Damn, this weak body of mine. On the side note.. yesterday, I met an old boss who became a friend of mine. It turned out that he lives from the other side of my street since two years ago, how ironic that he and I haven't seen each other within those times. If I went to work and didn't stay home to wait for my doctor's appointment, I would have never seen Eugene for another year or so.

Too bad (well not really), I already have a boyfriend who I love so much. Eugene was the one who helped me get through one of the toughest times that I had to endure three years ago and I don't think I thanked him enough for it. He's such a great guy, I feel bad that he couldn't find the right girl for him and knowing that he's a single father/parent. It's finding a needle in a hay-stack to find that person that would fit into your life like a glove.

Nobody is perfect; not even life;

I always try to be positive but lately, I just couldn't get myself to hold my head up high. The one thing that I used to do and always like doing, making other people laugh. When I see or at least know they are having fun, I'd feel happy myself; pleased to see they are laughing.

"Between an overload of information" - problem within the family; within the office; within friends; even within the volunteer work that I've been doing for more than a year now.

"Striving for a pure dedication in life" - I think each and everyone of us tries to find a real meaning. Yesterday, I tried to be funny with some of my friends over YM. As I try to tap my old habit of being witty and used Gelo's come back on my semi-serious question: "Is pride a sin?"

One example:
Me: I have a question: pride is a sin, right?
Friend: it depends... but yes.
Me: So here's a thought: I am my father's pride. So, am I my father's sin?
*there were many answers from different people who I said the same thought. And everyone of them had a really serious answer except for Kenneth.*
Me: So those people with Kia Pride, are they sinners?
*one just typed in '...'; some laughed and some said to me 'are you crazy?' I tell you it's fun to have this kind of conversation just to break loose.*

We all laughed and I said "Good morning" right after. It was a good feeling and at that time I tried my best to do my work even if I'm already stressed out and then later on, Chris (my boyfriend) talked to me over YM. It was a wonderful interruption and I felt abit relaxed. Then, I said this is going to be a good day.

A few minutes later, my officemate that it's time for the department's appraisal. That moment, everyone got so riled up. I thought I should already send my resume out to my cousin while I still can. When it's my turn, my boss and I talked about things and she did try to understand what I am trying to explain. I mean... I may be a senior artist but I'm only one person catering all projects coming from four people. And the tasks aren't just simple layouts but animations and a whole lot of other packages. Not to mention that I have a monthly thing to update on TV.

All went well and we tried to adjust. She also asked us to have dinner with her as a threat.

Rising Force Online - one of the most crazed MMORPGs out there, especially for me. The RF here in the Philippines is actually getting such high hits. I believe they are releasing another server since both Nexus server and Altrax Server are at the population peek.

Rfo-20061130-000105

My character, Neoma, is a Bellato Soul Chandra who is now level 46. From the screenshot, she's wearing a level 45 mystic armor. The Game Masters of RFOph are pushing the Altrax server as a role-playing server. This is where I play. Even if there are a lot of private servers of RF out there, there is still one big difference in the game and that is the community and the people.

The people guild that I am in, Clan Rogue Wolf, are very special to me. Since, they have become my friends. One of them role-plays with me and most are pure power-gamers. One thing that I am also proud is that the guild won the First NEST competition.

There are different kinds of players/gamers. There are those who are power gamers; occasional gamers; role-playing gamers. I am in-between power and role-playing. Some people have the luxury to play every single day. What stops me from playing most of the time is that I always make it appoint that real-life goes first.  This is one thing that I've learned over the years of playing.

The first thing that got me hooked on playing MMOs was Ragnarok. I am still proud of what happened to my RO life since, me and my friend have made a small community of role-players for almost three years. The "Jakobsen's Jaegers". From which my character, Cerridwen, a hybrid-hunter and battle master who took in-charge of six guild extension that contains from 30 to 50 members each. Almost each of them taught on how to role-play their character. The guild was a mixture of power gamers and role-players. Those who doesn't know how to fight, then that is where my character comes in. Cerridwen would teach them the basics of fighting in PVP. For those who doesn't know how to role-play, hanging out with RP'ers, they learned the ways and granted that they soon role-played their characters well.

What do I mean by 'role-playing'? It is acting your character as who they really are. Evolving from DnD characters to real-time within the game. There may not be a dungeon master but every single thing that you do in-game affects the reaction of other players.

EB

Within those time of managing the guild, every two months we would all see each other in real life. Just to have fun outside the game and build up a better team or a 'small' extended family. Although, as time passes, each one has to leave and move on. It's not so bad, IMHO. A game is after all just a game. The life of a gamer doesn't stick to one game for the rest of their real-life, unless you're the one who created the game itself. Then, that would be a different story.

My Pro's & Con's:
Pros: One will make new friends and most of them will stay as friends. If you are good in the game it makes you well known and respected by other players.
Cons: One will be consumed by the 'market consuming industry' that will eventually it will either make you 'fat' or 'thin'.