*shrugs*

When I was young, I often worry about not being able to live up to my name. My name is "diwa" pronounced as dee-wa. It is a Tagalog word here in the Philippines which means "spirit", "essence", or "will". Since my brother's name is "malaya", meaning freedom, I asked my dad why he named us that. Then he answered, "If we're together then it means, Malayang diwa (Free will)."

The irony of it all is that my brother happened to be a bumm. He has love his will to move on. He is now free of hope; free of worry; free from everything. As for me, I am trying as much as I can to live and take care of him and this house. My 'will' to survive.

My sanity grows weaker by the day that I stay in this house as every midnight I'd wake up hearing his laughter while watching some anime or a comedic movie. My point of living? I couldn't enjoy my own time, my own hard earned money... it all end up paying for the electric bills that I didn't even use. Phone bills and the lot. It's been seven years since he's doing this and I'm already at the point where it's 'fine'. I no longer have the will to scold or shout at him because it would only make my mother disappointed. Although, there are times that the things he would say to me or do things for me (or rather never does anything at all), hurts. I end up crying every other night just to let the pain out because it's eating my life away. I try to say to myself that I am not my brother's keeper but it seems like I am.

I find myself laughing and crying at the same time when thinking of an answer like: "the only way to get out of this is death." I do not approve of suicide. I have much sin in my life and if I do that kind of sin then it's the purgatory. This maybe my punishment for doing something bad and I'm paying for it.

I feel like my head's going to explode every time I worry about the bills. This is like having my own kid but two years older than me. I'm already twenty seven turning twenty-eight this year. I don't have much savings; I don't have my own insurance; I have no license; I feel like I don't have my own life.

Tomorrow's another day. I hope things will be better soon.