QotD: My Holiday Wish List

What's on your holiday wish list?

Gawd! I have so many wishes. Simple wishes; big wishes; selfish wishes; selfless wishes. But none of that matters if you or any one doesn't believe in them. Over the past days, weeks, and months; I wish I knew what I was doing. If I were to have my wish, I would wish that my friends live happily; that my favorite cousin would finally find her own happiness; that my aunt would stop being such a nag (but then again...I love her the way she is).

These wishes are for selfish reasons. Want to know why? Because seeing my family being well and happy, I feel all warm and fuzzy inside then I wouldn't be feeling miserable and I'll forget my own problems. What is my holiday wish? World peace? that would be such a trite, wouldn't it?

If I were to read most of the submitted post about this QotD, I might just as well start being cynical and chase all those hopes and dramas away. But I won't, since this is also one of my hopes and dramas. I have been blunt for over three years. Blunt is also next to being cynical and believe me I was cynical since 1999. Terrible years. If you've known me since then, I'm thinking you'd be laughing right now. Remembering, how much I would try to bring down the concept of living and love; Remembering, how I try to understand the meaning of the universe; how boring life is without having any pain. Because pain shows us how much human we are. But enough of that.

So that past three years, I turned a little softer. Now, I don't know if I am still (maybe just a tad bit). I guess having a huge fight over who I love the most had its payback. I chose the man I love over my life then everybody else hates me. Or at least I think they did. One thing, I'm sure why I love my family is that they will still take me as I am and they know I will surely do the same. Because they are indeed a "family". I would sometimes say that I love my half-brother more than my own blood-brother. But that might just be a tad lie because I do love them both as much as the other. Saying it is different from doing it. I would actually submit my own health and my own life just for the people I love. Isn't that so selfish?

They say, "be careful of what you wish for, you might just get it."

I remember a couple of years back, I wished for something that I shouldn't have. It was Christmas and I wished that everyone else in my family would be happy even if it would cause my own happiness. That didn't work out very well. Since, I was miserable for a time. I dragged along this line of pain; a chain of guilt. Which is why I was unhappy and which is why some of my family is also unhappy. Later on, I realized that even how hard you try to save someone in your family's happiness you can't do it by your own. I figured that if you live your own life and make yourself happy and share that to them, that is one way of making them happy as well. Now that is what I think of not being selfish. Still it's so easy to say and it's really hard to do. When all these years, I've dragged myself too far down to the strength to pull myself up again.

I am glad that I have friends, who in their own way try as much, to have me into their own lives and be part of their family and share their happiness. A few weeks ago, I was invited by my cousin's wedding and I may have felt a bit of bitterness since I'm seeing my cousin moving on with her life and at the same time I was happy since I am part of that life. Also goes to one of my friends who also got married.

Believe me, being there at the reception seeing old faces and remembering old times (which weren't a pleasant one but there are still little things that I know how they became my friends). Being part of a family or circle of friends has one common thing, because they are there. No strings; no expectations; just being there. This tells you how much I am afraid of being alone. I am so scared to live alone and, YET!, I am living on my own. How ironic?!

How does that connect to my holiday wish and what is my holiday wish, really? I guess my wish would be simple, "I wish for this holiday season if that I'd always be a part of their life. (even if its just for a small part, I'd be happy if you take me.)"

I just want to be loved